tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-76834579502147662102024-03-05T06:04:24.425-08:00Sometimes the rug is not straightJakobehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08935015422978505933noreply@blogger.comBlogger16125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7683457950214766210.post-55204767405672035912011-11-25T17:04:00.000-08:002011-11-25T17:19:49.040-08:00Dental Floss, Spit, and the TrashSo today we did our Beta for the latest IVF cycle. Wow, saying that seems to make it sound like we took the trash out, or emptied the dishwasher. What really happened is that Jenni and I went to the IVF doctor and she got her blood drawn.<br /><br />Then we had to wait. It seemed like seconds turned into hours, minutes turned into days, the two hours that we really waited felt like two million years at the DMV. The person in charge of our case called and just said "I have bad news for you." 6 words that crushed us like the moon hitting Chewbacca. I felt nothing, numb would have had more feeling then I had at that time, I just started to cry.<br /><br />Now for me to cry, it takes a lot. I really don't cry for many things, I really don't know why that is but it is. My normal method of dealing with really deep issues is comedy, I try to make my self laugh or make light of the seriousness of the issue, but I couldn't, I hurt, not so much for myself, but for Jenni.<br /><br />I hurt so much that I started to laugh like a madman, not a joyful laugh more the I am about to cause the world a lot of pain and I will enjoy doing it. It really scared me. I have never hurt so much. I told Jenni today as we were going to the beta that I was being held together with dental floss and spit.<br /><br />I am now out of floss and just living on spit. I don't like it. I really don't like it and I don't know how to fix it. But I will. I have to. Because I know that Jenni will want to try again. I just don't know. But for now I will just put the trash out, do the dishes and hopefully I will be able to make it so I am not being held together with Dental Floss and Spit.Jakobehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08935015422978505933noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7683457950214766210.post-90530363373050059692011-10-30T21:10:00.000-07:002011-10-30T21:30:02.071-07:00Back once more dear ....Friends, countrymen, err, yeah.<br />Ok we are are back trying again, Jenni has started to re-blog to help her through this and I thought that I should too. well, lets see what is new since about April.<br /><br />hmm, did not get any of my Warhammer 40k army units painted, just still sitting here waiting for it to be done, We (My friends, Jenni, and I) have stopped playing shadowrun, since well, it got too crazy here for people to have any kind of fun, especially with Jenni getting her degree and finishing up the IVF processes.<br /><br />Started to play Deathwatch, which is a role playing game version of the Warhammer 40k table top strategy game, I am enjoying running the game more with this since I know a lot of the back story for the setting. Also we don't game as much here anymore now that we play at the person who is running the current mission's house, which means for about 2-3 months I get out of Jenni's hair and she can have some quite time.<br /><br />I have moved back to 8 hour days and love it, whomever talked me into 4 10 hour days, I really would like them to go into sales, they would make a ton of money. I have also move to a new product and it is a lot more black and white when dealing with the rules.<br /><br />Jenni and I have been offered something that I don't know if I can really put into words that will make sense to anyone but Jenni and I.<br /><br />My best friend in the world offered us his unborn child, after about a week of stewing in my thoughts about how this would not be a good thing for them, we have a talk with them, and another bomb is dropped, with this child they could lose their house. yeah ... their house. It really really makes it hard to say maybe. Also if they are going to put the child up for adoption, they would only consider us, otherwise they would keep the child and "make it work".<br /><br />I have a big thing about standing up and taking responsibility for ones actions, doing your duty to both friends and family, doing your job to the best of your ability. It was so hard to not stand up and say "yes, I will take your child" and then handle the fallout later, which would have been about 10 minutes later when Jenni drags me outside and says "WTF are you doing"<br /><br />well that is it for now, I will try and post at least once a week. Also my diabetes did not go away like I hope every night, My last A1C was 6.0 which is not bad, but I could / should do better at least in long run.Jakobehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08935015422978505933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7683457950214766210.post-62618555767412080312011-04-03T22:21:00.000-07:002011-04-03T22:38:57.520-07:00Thousand NeedlesSo now that I am starting 4 10's I get to go to Jenni's doctor's visit, this Friday (April 1) we learned the basics of how to stick a love one with a sharp object and not get into trouble for it. It was an event to say the least, looking a Jenni, every time that the instructor was telling not to do something, and not knowing it was already too late, Jenni started doing most of them about oh since we started talking about kids and the fact that we are doing IVF with ICSI. The instructor kept telling Jenni not to listen to the doctor when he is examining her, since he is not really talking to her, but to her staff, however knowing Jenni as well as I do, it would take a shift of the poles not to have her listen, then Google, then research, the Google some more, what ever the doctor says.<br /><br />She has, since going onto the pill, done a great impersonation of Linda Blair from the Exorcist with a dash of Sybil in there to make it an real hoot to be around her. I love her lots, it is not like i am being really easy to be with right now, with the extra weight and the snoring that I have been doing, I can see that she really loves me too. but that whatever gods are in charge of her drug use, she is done with them and hopefully things can get back to normal.<br /><br />I cut my foot the other week and the doctor has me on a drug that is helping stop an allergic reaction that I got at the same time, however that drug has sent my Blood Sugar Levels into orbit around the moon, which makes for my own Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde moments and me getting pissed at the seat belt from the car holding me in when I want to get out.<br /><br />I only have two more days on it, so hopefully I can make it though dealing with least number of people, and even then I hope that they are really sweet and understanding people, cause I am GRUMPY MISER, the lest know brother of the three.Jakobehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08935015422978505933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7683457950214766210.post-74630575107464048202011-03-19T21:20:00.001-07:002011-03-19T21:52:49.574-07:00P.O.N.CP.O.N.C(Pissed Off Non-Compliant), what a great phrase. I am P.O.N.C!, not at the fact that I have MFI (Male Factor Infertile(ity)), or at work, or anything except, at my Diabetes. I am <img src="file:///C:/Users/David/AppData/Local/Temp/moz-screenshot.png" alt="" />P.O.N.C! there has been days were I did not bolus for food that I ate, or I ate a whole bag of Oreo cookies, chips, or ate a pizza, or gone with out a bolus for the meals. But at the same time I paid for it. I felt not good at all the next two days, could not sleep, was crabby (to put it mildly) and just not dealing well with life.<br /> After a series of events, mostly having a loud voiced conversation with Jenni about stupid things, mostly about the fact that I don't talk to her about how I am feeling or how I am doing, manly due to my worries about hurting her even more then the time I stated that I didn't know that if I wanted kids now that I know that I am MFI.<br /> For the past couple of months, while Jenni has been in class, my friends and I have been playing world of warcraft(WOW), starcraft II (SCII), Dawn of War Dark Crusade, Dawn of War Soulstorm, Dawn of War II (all are refered as Dawn) and various other video games, not only to pass the time, but for me at least get some release from the frustrations of work, diabetes, MFI and life. Since the last time that I played WOW that I am starting to feel excited about the various new things you can/want to do.<br /> While I understand on some level her frustrations with me playing (what she sees as all/most of the time) on another part I get more frustrated with her cause well (I've never told her {I think}) I am trying to relax/do something mindless,fun with my friends (sometimes I fake how much fun I really am having for the sake of my friends, because I know that wanting to go to sleep right after work and waking up sometime during Saturday is not a healthy option when you know you are having friends over.)<br /> I am now working 4 10's which rocks for the most part, however I am not really used to it and by Wednesday afternoon I am starting to need caffeine dripped right into my veins in order to make it through the rest of the day/next day. I am still not sure on how it works, the whole monday/tuesday, tuesday/wednesday, wednesday/thrusday, thrusday/friday. I have spent a lot of time trying to figure that out. anyway, I am going to be better about blogging from now on, I might not be as avid a blogger as Jenni, but I promise to have at least updates on the IVF process that we are starting in April.Jakobehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08935015422978505933noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7683457950214766210.post-56693101373891502352010-09-07T14:03:00.001-07:002010-09-07T14:03:28.512-07:00Up gradeswell here at work we just upgraded our main systems (after a three day weekend) to say that nothing works is an understatement we are lucky the lights came on. well back go the grind, hope you all are having a good day<div style='clear: both; text-align: center; font-size: xx-small;'>Published with Blogger-droid v1.5.8</div>Jakobehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08935015422978505933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7683457950214766210.post-69237726854130487132010-09-05T11:50:00.001-07:002010-09-05T12:10:13.438-07:00So Far ....So I have been really really bad about blogging about things, so I will do a quick post on what is going on with me. First Jenni and I went on vacation and we had a good time. Although we found out that I really like to do nothing but putter around and work on Mini's, sleep, go for bike rides, but for the most part I like to sleep in and do nothing, while Jenni loves to get up early (I only do that on weekends when we only have two days to enjoy our selves) and do things, like walk on the beach, go looking for crabs (the kind on the beach), and go for bike rides and she stated several times that she sucks at doing nothing but sit and read, or work on mini's. she has already posted some of the pictures from the vacation and so if you have not seen them go to her blog, she is one of my subscribers so I won't post the url here. : )<br />During the vacation I found out that I really do like painting mini's especially for my Warhammer 40K space marine army (I am starting a Tau Empire army, but I am going to do that much slower then the first), and while I am not totally done painting them I thought I would post a few pictures for you all to see.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLqt53-gnMh_N2RFKQ5PU38XCN7og0vF41yd8gBco6KPVUPGVQkkE5PLaVy5CPdUxVjeu_rBxne_Aty1psyVWCEZKHwG3EIBmYMUPfGRaTsbnc3Ol0ON-s6CnrV2-oMrT8T_D5qiw4zEI/s1600/SpaceMarineArmy1.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 475px; height: 157px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLqt53-gnMh_N2RFKQ5PU38XCN7og0vF41yd8gBco6KPVUPGVQkkE5PLaVy5CPdUxVjeu_rBxne_Aty1psyVWCEZKHwG3EIBmYMUPfGRaTsbnc3Ol0ON-s6CnrV2-oMrT8T_D5qiw4zEI/s320/SpaceMarineArmy1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5513505680849443586" border="0" /></a><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3lwUjge0czYLbB93c5HnV6WP04xZKAmqToXJLW1vU6kMYk-PgPw31h88xNk9sNMkUpGsnJEqoZ3SrRQstDyH0PFmtKwhXZdHYXGG-XWgh4ImLNEJm-4pntWFgjhsCThRqq3RHfAwJy7I/s1600/SpaceMarineArmy2.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 214px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3lwUjge0czYLbB93c5HnV6WP04xZKAmqToXJLW1vU6kMYk-PgPw31h88xNk9sNMkUpGsnJEqoZ3SrRQstDyH0PFmtKwhXZdHYXGG-XWgh4ImLNEJm-4pntWFgjhsCThRqq3RHfAwJy7I/s320/SpaceMarineArmy2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5513505344850441906" border="0" /></a>During the little free time I have I been working on them, however I do still have a lot of work ahead of me as I still have a lot more men and at least one more tank to put together<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHPmzip9UJ9WJDsMyPIqw9f98lv4q4NU2JCr_vekloTVK9SEwVXYmFLqdIYBOYwVcz-QQ2Ogw5cDjgBWaEIXAwL7lA5kBMDZ-CN1G88Ikd6FZ0nNm4w_7pb-EGxBYn07WPKYM7MI624hk/s1600/Stillworkingon1.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 214px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHPmzip9UJ9WJDsMyPIqw9f98lv4q4NU2JCr_vekloTVK9SEwVXYmFLqdIYBOYwVcz-QQ2Ogw5cDjgBWaEIXAwL7lA5kBMDZ-CN1G88Ikd6FZ0nNm4w_7pb-EGxBYn07WPKYM7MI624hk/s320/Stillworkingon1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5513506301878273474" border="0" /></a><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQEH1nG5ekE8f9ifzNxI8KolzbXFL47f1zF79THlFmhRbvB7HDuK9eoCVs4RwJ11dfLr_xsg5EFnFncTCZ3-55VCdE1haLjMM7LSxBKpZgGhkFI2oKQ5qv6vYWK1oTkB_v9ILbNX3V6D0/s1600/stillworkingon2.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 214px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQEH1nG5ekE8f9ifzNxI8KolzbXFL47f1zF79THlFmhRbvB7HDuK9eoCVs4RwJ11dfLr_xsg5EFnFncTCZ3-55VCdE1haLjMM7LSxBKpZgGhkFI2oKQ5qv6vYWK1oTkB_v9ILbNX3V6D0/s320/stillworkingon2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5513506500502590178" border="0" /></a><br /><br />I also have been spending my time doing mini's for Shadowrun, so has Jenni for her Technomancer, she is way more skilled then I when it comes to painting. She did the eyebrows by hand, as well as the eyes, I need a stand and a magnifier as well to get close enough to making in not suck.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvO68GwuBE48vO9KwkKsW-jMNlJ9TwXiFV8S4LNuVf4BbtS5TBFMOpmoIEtKoJJ2F0Re0vzq7T9x94zNdHD-39wURmJz8cwahWLc8wkjmDAyjqOEzGGQZ52LRyxkInHTtAUjTtz1DBdmk/s1600/jennitechnomancer.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 268px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvO68GwuBE48vO9KwkKsW-jMNlJ9TwXiFV8S4LNuVf4BbtS5TBFMOpmoIEtKoJJ2F0Re0vzq7T9x94zNdHD-39wURmJz8cwahWLc8wkjmDAyjqOEzGGQZ52LRyxkInHTtAUjTtz1DBdmk/s320/jennitechnomancer.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5513507009071843026" border="0" /></a><br />Here is my Technomancer :)<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDl13fmSNJUk8G9uvzIGuiNLzeXdQtvvDCznHUJ7NcY-DvMj5pQ_xHjDo7T65ZcPO1a31wLl1LQ0HvHw1JgMwLm_TpNyUHth-SA7-3HmlWbc-YPTrxaWouBxnb3h80QFbty6IZegD0KpQ/s1600/technomancer1.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 264px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDl13fmSNJUk8G9uvzIGuiNLzeXdQtvvDCznHUJ7NcY-DvMj5pQ_xHjDo7T65ZcPO1a31wLl1LQ0HvHw1JgMwLm_TpNyUHth-SA7-3HmlWbc-YPTrxaWouBxnb3h80QFbty6IZegD0KpQ/s320/technomancer1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5513507421990487202" border="0" /></a><br />I also messed around with the camera and came up with these shots of the Techomancer and his Drone.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQMUNIx5bNR2ZARerxwf75v7_cFeXNvw8vlnSpJm-nEhzC4imCZoy7IiWwqWEv37Sl1xIZzf5hX5JrhS6XBLTuM2b4HiQVeSlg6NxV7bHMoeiDh2TkkisV9iXxyWuYtW1B9vlDXDepSj4/s1600/technomancerdrone1.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 250px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQMUNIx5bNR2ZARerxwf75v7_cFeXNvw8vlnSpJm-nEhzC4imCZoy7IiWwqWEv37Sl1xIZzf5hX5JrhS6XBLTuM2b4HiQVeSlg6NxV7bHMoeiDh2TkkisV9iXxyWuYtW1B9vlDXDepSj4/s320/technomancerdrone1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5513507930882981698" border="0" /></a><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDvu4j73E2v0B8CTdiiyz7HZYrgKhTNnzNk-irmC6mqUquKjtfrJpnhSbB9-Ojf-sZA5t9zzD35GKQaHtCwDe3P4vZNdJxNEsH0JwYFRjA6XApeoZkZ8ZryVHIwqPTKBzb8DVPiwj653o/s1600/technomancer2.jpg"><img style="float: right; margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 292px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDvu4j73E2v0B8CTdiiyz7HZYrgKhTNnzNk-irmC6mqUquKjtfrJpnhSbB9-Ojf-sZA5t9zzD35GKQaHtCwDe3P4vZNdJxNEsH0JwYFRjA6XApeoZkZ8ZryVHIwqPTKBzb8DVPiwj653o/s320/technomancer2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5513508073824863090" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br />Well that is what I have been doing with my time. On the Infertility front, we have stated to save for the IVF treatments, however my car needed new breaks, belts and some other work so I am hoping to be able to get back onto budget so that we don't have to wait longer. So I hope that you have enjoyed the pictures and I hope that you have a great Labor Day WeekendJakobehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08935015422978505933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7683457950214766210.post-75286481125243893462010-08-13T09:10:00.001-07:002010-08-13T09:10:45.371-07:00The day beforewell it is the day before vacation starts and my birthday, I am looking forward to spending time in bed with jenni ;) and going to high tea on Thursday. I hope that you also have a great week <div style='clear: both; text-align: center; font-size: xx-small;'>Published with Blogger-droid v1.5.2</div>Jakobehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08935015422978505933noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7683457950214766210.post-50896450022418853882010-08-11T08:33:00.001-07:002010-08-11T08:42:43.382-07:00A New StartSo for the past couple of weeks, we (Jenni and I) have been having a not so good time of communicating to each other. Mostly it has come from the lack of intimate communication. This weekend while we were setting up the tent for camping, we talked, it was not a happy conversation to be having while camping, but we had it, and during the talk I came to a realization that I do want to have kids, and with Jenni. Now all we have to do is come up with the money.<br /><br />I am not worried about that, Jenni is awesome when it comes to money, however we have a few things that will be coming up that might put a major dent in our money saving power (go go student loans). Sitting here at work, two days till my vacation and thinking, today is going to be better (last night was a lot of fun *wink *wink).<br /><br />So, recap of what I do know, one I like to play Shadowrun (which by the way they finished the run, even though I did chop at least 40% from the end of the run), I am going to try to have kids with my sexy, wonderful, loving wife, I have good friends, a good job, and a great set of pets. I still don't know a lot, but I am comfortable with that.Jakobehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08935015422978505933noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7683457950214766210.post-32769616966701204412010-08-06T08:44:00.001-07:002010-08-06T08:44:55.642-07:00from my phone<p>so this is my first blog from my phone and i really don't know what to post. so i guess i will do recap of what has been going on since i last posted. well first i did not get the job, which is ok since i do get to go on vacation witb jenni. second we saw both the sorcerer's apprentice, which was a fun movie. <br/> <br/> then we saw the kids are alright, which jenni really liked, which makes what i am about to say very hard. it was two hours of my worst fear about using a sperm donor. <br/> i am infertile. my sperm don't move on their own. i wish it was different, but it's not. i am not going into the movie so that i will not ruin it for others. but at times i really just wanted to run for the door. we are going camping this weekend with jenni's family which will be a good break for us. well till next time</p><div style='clear: both; text-align: center; font-size: xx-small;'>Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.9</div>Jakobehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08935015422978505933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7683457950214766210.post-54388605835999759512010-07-23T18:50:00.000-07:002010-07-23T18:57:23.132-07:00What a time ...Well it has been quite a bit of an adventure since my last post.<br /><br />First up is I got both the first and second interview for a job at my company that I am trying to get. The first one was short and to the point, the second one however was not. One hour and 15 minutes after it was supposed to stop it did. I feel really good about it, I think that I connected with both people and that I will get the job. I won't find out for just over a week. I really suck at waiting for nearly anything.<br /><br />Last week both Jenni and I went camping. It was really nice to get away from the city and to get away from the computers, phones and well technology. We went fishing and got the dog in the boat with us, she really did not like it, but also did not want to be away from Jenni or I. It was kinda sweet in a doggy way. On the way back we were in the middle of a three car fender breaker, well our fender got broken, nobody else had any real damage.<br /><br />Other then that life is going ok-ish.Jakobehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08935015422978505933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7683457950214766210.post-8457347634474397292010-07-12T22:26:00.000-07:002010-07-12T23:02:10.631-07:00Once More into the Shadows ....<span style="font-family:georgia;">Ok, so this week's Shadowrun game went really well, no major issues with rules, we played for like two whole hours and we got closer to the end of the run. I think that Jenni had a good time, even though she got kid duty (getting her laptop to play Dragon Ball Z for our friends 2 1/2 year old) which I am sure she did not mind.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">On the baby front we made good progress in this week’s session. Perhaps it was the fact that we talked about our fears, which took a lot for me not to break down in front of the counselor. We worked a little on the infertility issues and how we are all seeing that if I treat the chronic depression and power lift my emotional Inbox into the round file cabinet I might find some of the answers that I am looking for and maybe I can help U2 find what they are looking for as well.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">I think that I am gaining a bit of knowledge and insight to whom I am in the core and who Jenni is as well, which sometimes I get the feeling that no matter how much we “talk” to each other, we still will only be scratching the top layers of each other and it will take a lifetime to truly "get her", which is a lifetime I am willing to spend without reservations or remorse.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">As with all things you get a little better at it when doing it. It is really hard sometimes to make myself talk about it and not in the bravo (it don't rip me up inside) kind of talk, which you share with your co-worker who are having their 4th kid. Who constantly tell me that I am being foolish to not want one and keep talking up how wonderful and complete they are now that they are having number 4. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">They keep talking to me as if I can wish infertility way and make it as if nothing was wrong. I just don't see how they can't see how crazy jealous I am of them, not necessarily about them having the children(a little), but mostly about them knowing what they want and how they just jumped into the abyss of uncertainty. While I sit as far back from the abyss that I can (aka as far as Jenni will let me) questioning every thought/feeling as if it was more important then the last one. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">I still end up knowing jack about what I want and what I need to do to get it, perhaps it would be just good to know what I want, besides my wife Jenni. But I am afraid only time will tell on that one</span>.Jakobehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08935015422978505933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7683457950214766210.post-25961700817676910602010-07-06T19:05:00.000-07:002010-07-06T21:23:32.776-07:00the day afterthree day weekends are never long enough ....Jakobehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08935015422978505933noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7683457950214766210.post-118168563344539092010-07-03T08:44:00.000-07:002010-07-03T09:44:22.082-07:00What a week ..Which started on last Thursday not july 1 but the thursday before, my sister came into town with her husband and my nephew. we had a glorious time. we drank, we played rock band 2 and watched the World Cup. I was really sad to see them leave on Monday, it took a lot out of me, more then I thought it would. Then we had Shadowrun (since it was two weeks since the last one) which went much better then the last two times, a lot more communications between me and the other Game Master.<br />Then I get to work on Tuesday which was ok, it was slow, like molasses in winter in Alaska during a -70 degree dip. then came Wednesday, which was also slow, but they posted that there was a new position opening up and I had started to think about going for it, then Thursday came.<br />Thursday suck like nothing else, it was better however then finding out that I had male infertillity issues. first I was running late to work, which for me means I get there at the time I was to start not my usual 15 to 20 minutes before, then we had a meeting, which I found out that my job (which I knew was not too safe from outsourcing) was safe, however the one person who has really kept me there was "let go" they also let go the other person who help out us little people was also let go, they were together the two people whom you could go to for getting something done, now that they are gone, there really is no one to goto to get it done.<br />Friday was a little better, caught some of the world cup before work (which made me late again, was totally worth it). I had lunch with Jenni (which was totally cool and awesome of her since she got the day off). The rest of work was a little taxing. Friends came over last night and we chewed the fat and it was awesome, we got to talk about stuff that we don’t get to talk about, like swords, fencing, and food.<br />While I was typing this blog I was watching, yeah you guessed it, WORLD CUP FUTBOL! The Germany vs Argentina game, 4-0 Germany, watched the last half of the game, in which Germany scored 3 of its 4 goals, which Argentina just could not stop. It was like watching Sherman marching on Atlanta, it was not pretty, argentina just could not stop them, no matter what they did Germany’s team was just too much for them to deal with (IMO). My lovely wife enjoyed the fact that I kept my screams of “GOOOOOOOAAAAAAAALLLLLLLL” down so that she could sleep.<br />Later today we have a session with the counselor to talk about the infertility issues that have come up in our lives. Boy do I have a lot of issues, guilt, feeling less then manly, not being able to say no to Jenni about most things and the king of issues, not knowing if I want kids, (that has been the first time I have typed it out or wrote it out). How could you not know if you want kids, I mean it is part of being married; you have a wife, then have some kids, enjoy spending time playing sports and re-exploring this world with them. But I just don’t know, I thought that I did, I thought that I had all of the answers. I don’t know jackJakobehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08935015422978505933noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7683457950214766210.post-10632419465119898192010-06-11T07:53:00.000-07:002010-06-11T08:03:30.068-07:00Happy FridayWell the week is over and it is Friday. After a terrible Monday night, things picked up for Jenni and I. After a long patch of no sex, we have cured it for three nights so far, hopefully this will not stop anytime soon. I also went shooting with my friend, man there is nothing like shooting off a gun to make you feel better about your crappy work week. It actually is startling to be shown that shooting off a gun and all the things that go into it, the aiming, the breathing, the long and steady pull of the trigger and the final firing of the gun when the trigger breaks that really allow you to pull all of the stress, toxic juju out your system and leave you with the clear mindedness to enjoy work the next day since you are no longer carting around the baggage from the rest of the weekJakobehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08935015422978505933noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7683457950214766210.post-55871874194898597702010-06-08T19:43:00.000-07:002010-06-08T21:40:45.833-07:00When we last saw them ....So I had some friends over for our bi-weekly <a href="http://www.shadowrun4.com/">Shadowrun</a> game, which I was running, not too smoothly i might add, I had a very bad end of work and with no time to get it out of my system, I was very frustrated with how they were attacking the house I had made up as the super-villain's lair. They were thinking outside the box and I was not having any of it. I poorly took some of it out on Jenni and them, but mostly Jenni, which in retrospect was crappy of me. The good part of all of this is instead of having two weeks to brood over how crappy i ran game, we decided to hold game on Monday, which hope that some of them have fun, I know that I will.<div><div><div>*echoing maniacal laughter*</div></div></div>Jakobehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08935015422978505933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7683457950214766210.post-43856869931483300602010-06-06T16:54:00.000-07:002010-06-08T21:39:41.488-07:00The Start of Things ...Sometimes the start of things are just as important as the thing itself. Starting this blog is a large step for me. What I am hoping to get from this is some release from the crude that is in my emotional inbox. A bit about me, I have a wonderful wife Jenni, I work in a call center, I am a newly type 1.5 (late on set type one) diabetic. I like to spend my time reading book, play Xbox games, and role playing games. Well I will get to some of the crude later :)Jakobehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08935015422978505933noreply@blogger.com1