Dental Floss, Spit, and the Trash

So today we did our Beta for the latest IVF cycle. Wow, saying that seems to make it sound like we took the trash out, or emptied the dishwasher. What really happened is that Jenni and I went to the IVF doctor and she got her blood drawn.

Then we had to wait. It seemed like seconds turned into hours, minutes turned into days, the two hours that we really waited felt like two million years at the DMV. The person in charge of our case called and just said "I have bad news for you." 6 words that crushed us like the moon hitting Chewbacca. I felt nothing, numb would have had more feeling then I had at that time, I just started to cry.

Now for me to cry, it takes a lot. I really don't cry for many things, I really don't know why that is but it is. My normal method of dealing with really deep issues is comedy, I try to make my self laugh or make light of the seriousness of the issue, but I couldn't, I hurt, not so much for myself, but for Jenni.

I hurt so much that I started to laugh like a madman, not a joyful laugh more the I am about to cause the world a lot of pain and I will enjoy doing it. It really scared me. I have never hurt so much. I told Jenni today as we were going to the beta that I was being held together with dental floss and spit.

I am now out of floss and just living on spit. I don't like it. I really don't like it and I don't know how to fix it. But I will. I have to. Because I know that Jenni will want to try again. I just don't know. But for now I will just put the trash out, do the dishes and hopefully I will be able to make it so I am not being held together with Dental Floss and Spit.