Once More into the Shadows ....

Ok, so this week's Shadowrun game went really well, no major issues with rules, we played for like two whole hours and we got closer to the end of the run. I think that Jenni had a good time, even though she got kid duty (getting her laptop to play Dragon Ball Z for our friends 2 1/2 year old) which I am sure she did not mind.

On the baby front we made good progress in this week’s session. Perhaps it was the fact that we talked about our fears, which took a lot for me not to break down in front of the counselor. We worked a little on the infertility issues and how we are all seeing that if I treat the chronic depression and power lift my emotional Inbox into the round file cabinet I might find some of the answers that I am looking for and maybe I can help U2 find what they are looking for as well.

I think that I am gaining a bit of knowledge and insight to whom I am in the core and who Jenni is as well, which sometimes I get the feeling that no matter how much we “talk” to each other, we still will only be scratching the top layers of each other and it will take a lifetime to truly "get her", which is a lifetime I am willing to spend without reservations or remorse.

As with all things you get a little better at it when doing it. It is really hard sometimes to make myself talk about it and not in the bravo (it don't rip me up inside) kind of talk, which you share with your co-worker who are having their 4th kid. Who constantly tell me that I am being foolish to not want one and keep talking up how wonderful and complete they are now that they are having number 4.

They keep talking to me as if I can wish infertility way and make it as if nothing was wrong. I just don't see how they can't see how crazy jealous I am of them, not necessarily about them having the children(a little), but mostly about them knowing what they want and how they just jumped into the abyss of uncertainty. While I sit as far back from the abyss that I can (aka as far as Jenni will let me) questioning every thought/feeling as if it was more important then the last one.

I still end up knowing jack about what I want and what I need to do to get it, perhaps it would be just good to know what I want, besides my wife Jenni. But I am afraid only time will tell on that one.