Back once more dear ....

Friends, countrymen, err, yeah.
Ok we are are back trying again, Jenni has started to re-blog to help her through this and I thought that I should too. well, lets see what is new since about April.

hmm, did not get any of my Warhammer 40k army units painted, just still sitting here waiting for it to be done, We (My friends, Jenni, and I) have stopped playing shadowrun, since well, it got too crazy here for people to have any kind of fun, especially with Jenni getting her degree and finishing up the IVF processes.

Started to play Deathwatch, which is a role playing game version of the Warhammer 40k table top strategy game, I am enjoying running the game more with this since I know a lot of the back story for the setting. Also we don't game as much here anymore now that we play at the person who is running the current mission's house, which means for about 2-3 months I get out of Jenni's hair and she can have some quite time.

I have moved back to 8 hour days and love it, whomever talked me into 4 10 hour days, I really would like them to go into sales, they would make a ton of money. I have also move to a new product and it is a lot more black and white when dealing with the rules.

Jenni and I have been offered something that I don't know if I can really put into words that will make sense to anyone but Jenni and I.

My best friend in the world offered us his unborn child, after about a week of stewing in my thoughts about how this would not be a good thing for them, we have a talk with them, and another bomb is dropped, with this child they could lose their house. yeah ... their house. It really really makes it hard to say maybe. Also if they are going to put the child up for adoption, they would only consider us, otherwise they would keep the child and "make it work".

I have a big thing about standing up and taking responsibility for ones actions, doing your duty to both friends and family, doing your job to the best of your ability. It was so hard to not stand up and say "yes, I will take your child" and then handle the fallout later, which would have been about 10 minutes later when Jenni drags me outside and says "WTF are you doing"

well that is it for now, I will try and post at least once a week. Also my diabetes did not go away like I hope every night, My last A1C was 6.0 which is not bad, but I could / should do better at least in long run.

P.O.N.C

P.O.N.C(Pissed Off Non-Compliant), what a great phrase. I am P.O.N.C!, not at the fact that I have MFI (Male Factor Infertile(ity)), or at work, or anything except, at my Diabetes. I am P.O.N.C! there has been days were I did not bolus for food that I ate, or I ate a whole bag of Oreo cookies, chips, or ate a pizza, or gone with out a bolus for the meals. But at the same time I paid for it. I felt not good at all the next two days, could not sleep, was crabby (to put it mildly) and just not dealing well with life.
After a series of events, mostly having a loud voiced conversation with Jenni about stupid things, mostly about the fact that I don't talk to her about how I am feeling or how I am doing, manly due to my worries about hurting her even more then the time I stated that I didn't know that if I wanted kids now that I know that I am MFI.
For the past couple of months, while Jenni has been in class, my friends and I have been playing world of warcraft(WOW), starcraft II (SCII), Dawn of War Dark Crusade, Dawn of War Soulstorm, Dawn of War II (all are refered as Dawn) and various other video games, not only to pass the time, but for me at least get some release from the frustrations of work, diabetes, MFI and life. Since the last time that I played WOW that I am starting to feel excited about the various new things you can/want to do.
While I understand on some level her frustrations with me playing (what she sees as all/most of the time) on another part I get more frustrated with her cause well (I've never told her {I think}) I am trying to relax/do something mindless,fun with my friends (sometimes I fake how much fun I really am having for the sake of my friends, because I know that wanting to go to sleep right after work and waking up sometime during Saturday is not a healthy option when you know you are having friends over.)
I am now working 4 10's which rocks for the most part, however I am not really used to it and by Wednesday afternoon I am starting to need caffeine dripped right into my veins in order to make it through the rest of the day/next day. I am still not sure on how it works, the whole monday/tuesday, tuesday/wednesday, wednesday/thrusday, thrusday/friday. I have spent a lot of time trying to figure that out. anyway, I am going to be better about blogging from now on, I might not be as avid a blogger as Jenni, but I promise to have at least updates on the IVF process that we are starting in April.

Up grades

well here at work we just upgraded our main systems (after a three day weekend) to say that nothing works is an understatement we are lucky the lights came on. well back go the grind, hope you all are having a good day

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A New Start

So for the past couple of weeks, we (Jenni and I) have been having a not so good time of communicating to each other. Mostly it has come from the lack of intimate communication. This weekend while we were setting up the tent for camping, we talked, it was not a happy conversation to be having while camping, but we had it, and during the talk I came to a realization that I do want to have kids, and with Jenni. Now all we have to do is come up with the money.

I am not worried about that, Jenni is awesome when it comes to money, however we have a few things that will be coming up that might put a major dent in our money saving power (go go student loans). Sitting here at work, two days till my vacation and thinking, today is going to be better (last night was a lot of fun *wink *wink).

So, recap of what I do know, one I like to play Shadowrun (which by the way they finished the run, even though I did chop at least 40% from the end of the run), I am going to try to have kids with my sexy, wonderful, loving wife, I have good friends, a good job, and a great set of pets. I still don't know a lot, but I am comfortable with that.

Once More into the Shadows ....

Ok, so this week's Shadowrun game went really well, no major issues with rules, we played for like two whole hours and we got closer to the end of the run. I think that Jenni had a good time, even though she got kid duty (getting her laptop to play Dragon Ball Z for our friends 2 1/2 year old) which I am sure she did not mind.

On the baby front we made good progress in this week’s session. Perhaps it was the fact that we talked about our fears, which took a lot for me not to break down in front of the counselor. We worked a little on the infertility issues and how we are all seeing that if I treat the chronic depression and power lift my emotional Inbox into the round file cabinet I might find some of the answers that I am looking for and maybe I can help U2 find what they are looking for as well.

I think that I am gaining a bit of knowledge and insight to whom I am in the core and who Jenni is as well, which sometimes I get the feeling that no matter how much we “talk” to each other, we still will only be scratching the top layers of each other and it will take a lifetime to truly "get her", which is a lifetime I am willing to spend without reservations or remorse.

As with all things you get a little better at it when doing it. It is really hard sometimes to make myself talk about it and not in the bravo (it don't rip me up inside) kind of talk, which you share with your co-worker who are having their 4th kid. Who constantly tell me that I am being foolish to not want one and keep talking up how wonderful and complete they are now that they are having number 4.

They keep talking to me as if I can wish infertility way and make it as if nothing was wrong. I just don't see how they can't see how crazy jealous I am of them, not necessarily about them having the children(a little), but mostly about them knowing what they want and how they just jumped into the abyss of uncertainty. While I sit as far back from the abyss that I can (aka as far as Jenni will let me) questioning every thought/feeling as if it was more important then the last one.

I still end up knowing jack about what I want and what I need to do to get it, perhaps it would be just good to know what I want, besides my wife Jenni. But I am afraid only time will tell on that one.

What a week ..

Which started on last Thursday not july 1 but the thursday before, my sister came into town with her husband and my nephew. we had a glorious time. we drank, we played rock band 2 and watched the World Cup. I was really sad to see them leave on Monday, it took a lot out of me, more then I thought it would. Then we had Shadowrun (since it was two weeks since the last one) which went much better then the last two times, a lot more communications between me and the other Game Master.
Then I get to work on Tuesday which was ok, it was slow, like molasses in winter in Alaska during a -70 degree dip. then came Wednesday, which was also slow, but they posted that there was a new position opening up and I had started to think about going for it, then Thursday came.
Thursday suck like nothing else, it was better however then finding out that I had male infertillity issues. first I was running late to work, which for me means I get there at the time I was to start not my usual 15 to 20 minutes before, then we had a meeting, which I found out that my job (which I knew was not too safe from outsourcing) was safe, however the one person who has really kept me there was "let go" they also let go the other person who help out us little people was also let go, they were together the two people whom you could go to for getting something done, now that they are gone, there really is no one to goto to get it done.
Friday was a little better, caught some of the world cup before work (which made me late again, was totally worth it). I had lunch with Jenni (which was totally cool and awesome of her since she got the day off). The rest of work was a little taxing. Friends came over last night and we chewed the fat and it was awesome, we got to talk about stuff that we don’t get to talk about, like swords, fencing, and food.
While I was typing this blog I was watching, yeah you guessed it, WORLD CUP FUTBOL! The Germany vs Argentina game, 4-0 Germany, watched the last half of the game, in which Germany scored 3 of its 4 goals, which Argentina just could not stop. It was like watching Sherman marching on Atlanta, it was not pretty, argentina just could not stop them, no matter what they did Germany’s team was just too much for them to deal with (IMO). My lovely wife enjoyed the fact that I kept my screams of “GOOOOOOOAAAAAAAALLLLLLLL” down so that she could sleep.
Later today we have a session with the counselor to talk about the infertility issues that have come up in our lives. Boy do I have a lot of issues, guilt, feeling less then manly, not being able to say no to Jenni about most things and the king of issues, not knowing if I want kids, (that has been the first time I have typed it out or wrote it out). How could you not know if you want kids, I mean it is part of being married; you have a wife, then have some kids, enjoy spending time playing sports and re-exploring this world with them. But I just don’t know, I thought that I did, I thought that I had all of the answers. I don’t know jack