Dental Floss, Spit, and the Trash

So today we did our Beta for the latest IVF cycle. Wow, saying that seems to make it sound like we took the trash out, or emptied the dishwasher. What really happened is that Jenni and I went to the IVF doctor and she got her blood drawn.

Then we had to wait. It seemed like seconds turned into hours, minutes turned into days, the two hours that we really waited felt like two million years at the DMV. The person in charge of our case called and just said "I have bad news for you." 6 words that crushed us like the moon hitting Chewbacca. I felt nothing, numb would have had more feeling then I had at that time, I just started to cry.

Now for me to cry, it takes a lot. I really don't cry for many things, I really don't know why that is but it is. My normal method of dealing with really deep issues is comedy, I try to make my self laugh or make light of the seriousness of the issue, but I couldn't, I hurt, not so much for myself, but for Jenni.

I hurt so much that I started to laugh like a madman, not a joyful laugh more the I am about to cause the world a lot of pain and I will enjoy doing it. It really scared me. I have never hurt so much. I told Jenni today as we were going to the beta that I was being held together with dental floss and spit.

I am now out of floss and just living on spit. I don't like it. I really don't like it and I don't know how to fix it. But I will. I have to. Because I know that Jenni will want to try again. I just don't know. But for now I will just put the trash out, do the dishes and hopefully I will be able to make it so I am not being held together with Dental Floss and Spit.

Back once more dear ....

Friends, countrymen, err, yeah.
Ok we are are back trying again, Jenni has started to re-blog to help her through this and I thought that I should too. well, lets see what is new since about April.

hmm, did not get any of my Warhammer 40k army units painted, just still sitting here waiting for it to be done, We (My friends, Jenni, and I) have stopped playing shadowrun, since well, it got too crazy here for people to have any kind of fun, especially with Jenni getting her degree and finishing up the IVF processes.

Started to play Deathwatch, which is a role playing game version of the Warhammer 40k table top strategy game, I am enjoying running the game more with this since I know a lot of the back story for the setting. Also we don't game as much here anymore now that we play at the person who is running the current mission's house, which means for about 2-3 months I get out of Jenni's hair and she can have some quite time.

I have moved back to 8 hour days and love it, whomever talked me into 4 10 hour days, I really would like them to go into sales, they would make a ton of money. I have also move to a new product and it is a lot more black and white when dealing with the rules.

Jenni and I have been offered something that I don't know if I can really put into words that will make sense to anyone but Jenni and I.

My best friend in the world offered us his unborn child, after about a week of stewing in my thoughts about how this would not be a good thing for them, we have a talk with them, and another bomb is dropped, with this child they could lose their house. yeah ... their house. It really really makes it hard to say maybe. Also if they are going to put the child up for adoption, they would only consider us, otherwise they would keep the child and "make it work".

I have a big thing about standing up and taking responsibility for ones actions, doing your duty to both friends and family, doing your job to the best of your ability. It was so hard to not stand up and say "yes, I will take your child" and then handle the fallout later, which would have been about 10 minutes later when Jenni drags me outside and says "WTF are you doing"

well that is it for now, I will try and post at least once a week. Also my diabetes did not go away like I hope every night, My last A1C was 6.0 which is not bad, but I could / should do better at least in long run.

Thousand Needles

So now that I am starting 4 10's I get to go to Jenni's doctor's visit, this Friday (April 1) we learned the basics of how to stick a love one with a sharp object and not get into trouble for it. It was an event to say the least, looking a Jenni, every time that the instructor was telling not to do something, and not knowing it was already too late, Jenni started doing most of them about oh since we started talking about kids and the fact that we are doing IVF with ICSI. The instructor kept telling Jenni not to listen to the doctor when he is examining her, since he is not really talking to her, but to her staff, however knowing Jenni as well as I do, it would take a shift of the poles not to have her listen, then Google, then research, the Google some more, what ever the doctor says.

She has, since going onto the pill, done a great impersonation of Linda Blair from the Exorcist with a dash of Sybil in there to make it an real hoot to be around her. I love her lots, it is not like i am being really easy to be with right now, with the extra weight and the snoring that I have been doing, I can see that she really loves me too. but that whatever gods are in charge of her drug use, she is done with them and hopefully things can get back to normal.

I cut my foot the other week and the doctor has me on a drug that is helping stop an allergic reaction that I got at the same time, however that drug has sent my Blood Sugar Levels into orbit around the moon, which makes for my own Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde moments and me getting pissed at the seat belt from the car holding me in when I want to get out.

I only have two more days on it, so hopefully I can make it though dealing with least number of people, and even then I hope that they are really sweet and understanding people, cause I am GRUMPY MISER, the lest know brother of the three.

P.O.N.C

P.O.N.C(Pissed Off Non-Compliant), what a great phrase. I am P.O.N.C!, not at the fact that I have MFI (Male Factor Infertile(ity)), or at work, or anything except, at my Diabetes. I am P.O.N.C! there has been days were I did not bolus for food that I ate, or I ate a whole bag of Oreo cookies, chips, or ate a pizza, or gone with out a bolus for the meals. But at the same time I paid for it. I felt not good at all the next two days, could not sleep, was crabby (to put it mildly) and just not dealing well with life.
After a series of events, mostly having a loud voiced conversation with Jenni about stupid things, mostly about the fact that I don't talk to her about how I am feeling or how I am doing, manly due to my worries about hurting her even more then the time I stated that I didn't know that if I wanted kids now that I know that I am MFI.
For the past couple of months, while Jenni has been in class, my friends and I have been playing world of warcraft(WOW), starcraft II (SCII), Dawn of War Dark Crusade, Dawn of War Soulstorm, Dawn of War II (all are refered as Dawn) and various other video games, not only to pass the time, but for me at least get some release from the frustrations of work, diabetes, MFI and life. Since the last time that I played WOW that I am starting to feel excited about the various new things you can/want to do.
While I understand on some level her frustrations with me playing (what she sees as all/most of the time) on another part I get more frustrated with her cause well (I've never told her {I think}) I am trying to relax/do something mindless,fun with my friends (sometimes I fake how much fun I really am having for the sake of my friends, because I know that wanting to go to sleep right after work and waking up sometime during Saturday is not a healthy option when you know you are having friends over.)
I am now working 4 10's which rocks for the most part, however I am not really used to it and by Wednesday afternoon I am starting to need caffeine dripped right into my veins in order to make it through the rest of the day/next day. I am still not sure on how it works, the whole monday/tuesday, tuesday/wednesday, wednesday/thrusday, thrusday/friday. I have spent a lot of time trying to figure that out. anyway, I am going to be better about blogging from now on, I might not be as avid a blogger as Jenni, but I promise to have at least updates on the IVF process that we are starting in April.