Up grades

well here at work we just upgraded our main systems (after a three day weekend) to say that nothing works is an understatement we are lucky the lights came on. well back go the grind, hope you all are having a good day

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So Far ....

So I have been really really bad about blogging about things, so I will do a quick post on what is going on with me. First Jenni and I went on vacation and we had a good time. Although we found out that I really like to do nothing but putter around and work on Mini's, sleep, go for bike rides, but for the most part I like to sleep in and do nothing, while Jenni loves to get up early (I only do that on weekends when we only have two days to enjoy our selves) and do things, like walk on the beach, go looking for crabs (the kind on the beach), and go for bike rides and she stated several times that she sucks at doing nothing but sit and read, or work on mini's. she has already posted some of the pictures from the vacation and so if you have not seen them go to her blog, she is one of my subscribers so I won't post the url here. : )
During the vacation I found out that I really do like painting mini's especially for my Warhammer 40K space marine army (I am starting a Tau Empire army, but I am going to do that much slower then the first), and while I am not totally done painting them I thought I would post a few pictures for you all to see.During the little free time I have I been working on them, however I do still have a lot of work ahead of me as I still have a lot more men and at least one more tank to put together



I also have been spending my time doing mini's for Shadowrun, so has Jenni for her Technomancer, she is way more skilled then I when it comes to painting. She did the eyebrows by hand, as well as the eyes, I need a stand and a magnifier as well to get close enough to making in not suck.

Here is my Technomancer :)

I also messed around with the camera and came up with these shots of the Techomancer and his Drone.




Well that is what I have been doing with my time. On the Infertility front, we have stated to save for the IVF treatments, however my car needed new breaks, belts and some other work so I am hoping to be able to get back onto budget so that we don't have to wait longer. So I hope that you have enjoyed the pictures and I hope that you have a great Labor Day Weekend

The day before

well it is the day before vacation starts and my birthday, I am looking forward to spending time in bed with jenni ;) and going to high tea on Thursday. I hope that you also have a great week

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A New Start

So for the past couple of weeks, we (Jenni and I) have been having a not so good time of communicating to each other. Mostly it has come from the lack of intimate communication. This weekend while we were setting up the tent for camping, we talked, it was not a happy conversation to be having while camping, but we had it, and during the talk I came to a realization that I do want to have kids, and with Jenni. Now all we have to do is come up with the money.

I am not worried about that, Jenni is awesome when it comes to money, however we have a few things that will be coming up that might put a major dent in our money saving power (go go student loans). Sitting here at work, two days till my vacation and thinking, today is going to be better (last night was a lot of fun *wink *wink).

So, recap of what I do know, one I like to play Shadowrun (which by the way they finished the run, even though I did chop at least 40% from the end of the run), I am going to try to have kids with my sexy, wonderful, loving wife, I have good friends, a good job, and a great set of pets. I still don't know a lot, but I am comfortable with that.

from my phone

so this is my first blog from my phone and i really don't know what to post. so i guess i will do recap of what has been going on since i last posted. well first i did not get the job, which is ok since i do get to go on vacation witb jenni. second we saw both the sorcerer's apprentice, which was a fun movie.

then we saw the kids are alright, which jenni really liked, which makes what i am about to say very hard. it was two hours of my worst fear about using a sperm donor.
i am infertile. my sperm don't move on their own. i wish it was different, but it's not. i am not going into the movie so that i will not ruin it for others. but at times i really just wanted to run for the door. we are going camping this weekend with jenni's family which will be a good break for us. well till next time

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What a time ...

Well it has been quite a bit of an adventure since my last post.

First up is I got both the first and second interview for a job at my company that I am trying to get. The first one was short and to the point, the second one however was not. One hour and 15 minutes after it was supposed to stop it did. I feel really good about it, I think that I connected with both people and that I will get the job. I won't find out for just over a week. I really suck at waiting for nearly anything.

Last week both Jenni and I went camping. It was really nice to get away from the city and to get away from the computers, phones and well technology. We went fishing and got the dog in the boat with us, she really did not like it, but also did not want to be away from Jenni or I. It was kinda sweet in a doggy way. On the way back we were in the middle of a three car fender breaker, well our fender got broken, nobody else had any real damage.

Other then that life is going ok-ish.

Once More into the Shadows ....

Ok, so this week's Shadowrun game went really well, no major issues with rules, we played for like two whole hours and we got closer to the end of the run. I think that Jenni had a good time, even though she got kid duty (getting her laptop to play Dragon Ball Z for our friends 2 1/2 year old) which I am sure she did not mind.

On the baby front we made good progress in this week’s session. Perhaps it was the fact that we talked about our fears, which took a lot for me not to break down in front of the counselor. We worked a little on the infertility issues and how we are all seeing that if I treat the chronic depression and power lift my emotional Inbox into the round file cabinet I might find some of the answers that I am looking for and maybe I can help U2 find what they are looking for as well.

I think that I am gaining a bit of knowledge and insight to whom I am in the core and who Jenni is as well, which sometimes I get the feeling that no matter how much we “talk” to each other, we still will only be scratching the top layers of each other and it will take a lifetime to truly "get her", which is a lifetime I am willing to spend without reservations or remorse.

As with all things you get a little better at it when doing it. It is really hard sometimes to make myself talk about it and not in the bravo (it don't rip me up inside) kind of talk, which you share with your co-worker who are having their 4th kid. Who constantly tell me that I am being foolish to not want one and keep talking up how wonderful and complete they are now that they are having number 4.

They keep talking to me as if I can wish infertility way and make it as if nothing was wrong. I just don't see how they can't see how crazy jealous I am of them, not necessarily about them having the children(a little), but mostly about them knowing what they want and how they just jumped into the abyss of uncertainty. While I sit as far back from the abyss that I can (aka as far as Jenni will let me) questioning every thought/feeling as if it was more important then the last one.

I still end up knowing jack about what I want and what I need to do to get it, perhaps it would be just good to know what I want, besides my wife Jenni. But I am afraid only time will tell on that one.

the day after

three day weekends are never long enough ....

What a week ..

Which started on last Thursday not july 1 but the thursday before, my sister came into town with her husband and my nephew. we had a glorious time. we drank, we played rock band 2 and watched the World Cup. I was really sad to see them leave on Monday, it took a lot out of me, more then I thought it would. Then we had Shadowrun (since it was two weeks since the last one) which went much better then the last two times, a lot more communications between me and the other Game Master.
Then I get to work on Tuesday which was ok, it was slow, like molasses in winter in Alaska during a -70 degree dip. then came Wednesday, which was also slow, but they posted that there was a new position opening up and I had started to think about going for it, then Thursday came.
Thursday suck like nothing else, it was better however then finding out that I had male infertillity issues. first I was running late to work, which for me means I get there at the time I was to start not my usual 15 to 20 minutes before, then we had a meeting, which I found out that my job (which I knew was not too safe from outsourcing) was safe, however the one person who has really kept me there was "let go" they also let go the other person who help out us little people was also let go, they were together the two people whom you could go to for getting something done, now that they are gone, there really is no one to goto to get it done.
Friday was a little better, caught some of the world cup before work (which made me late again, was totally worth it). I had lunch with Jenni (which was totally cool and awesome of her since she got the day off). The rest of work was a little taxing. Friends came over last night and we chewed the fat and it was awesome, we got to talk about stuff that we don’t get to talk about, like swords, fencing, and food.
While I was typing this blog I was watching, yeah you guessed it, WORLD CUP FUTBOL! The Germany vs Argentina game, 4-0 Germany, watched the last half of the game, in which Germany scored 3 of its 4 goals, which Argentina just could not stop. It was like watching Sherman marching on Atlanta, it was not pretty, argentina just could not stop them, no matter what they did Germany’s team was just too much for them to deal with (IMO). My lovely wife enjoyed the fact that I kept my screams of “GOOOOOOOAAAAAAAALLLLLLLL” down so that she could sleep.
Later today we have a session with the counselor to talk about the infertility issues that have come up in our lives. Boy do I have a lot of issues, guilt, feeling less then manly, not being able to say no to Jenni about most things and the king of issues, not knowing if I want kids, (that has been the first time I have typed it out or wrote it out). How could you not know if you want kids, I mean it is part of being married; you have a wife, then have some kids, enjoy spending time playing sports and re-exploring this world with them. But I just don’t know, I thought that I did, I thought that I had all of the answers. I don’t know jack

Happy Friday

Well the week is over and it is Friday. After a terrible Monday night, things picked up for Jenni and I. After a long patch of no sex, we have cured it for three nights so far, hopefully this will not stop anytime soon. I also went shooting with my friend, man there is nothing like shooting off a gun to make you feel better about your crappy work week. It actually is startling to be shown that shooting off a gun and all the things that go into it, the aiming, the breathing, the long and steady pull of the trigger and the final firing of the gun when the trigger breaks that really allow you to pull all of the stress, toxic juju out your system and leave you with the clear mindedness to enjoy work the next day since you are no longer carting around the baggage from the rest of the week

When we last saw them ....

So I had some friends over for our bi-weekly Shadowrun game, which I was running, not too smoothly i might add, I had a very bad end of work and with no time to get it out of my system, I was very frustrated with how they were attacking the house I had made up as the super-villain's lair. They were thinking outside the box and I was not having any of it. I poorly took some of it out on Jenni and them, but mostly Jenni, which in retrospect was crappy of me. The good part of all of this is instead of having two weeks to brood over how crappy i ran game, we decided to hold game on Monday, which hope that some of them have fun, I know that I will.

*echoing maniacal laughter*

The Start of Things ...

Sometimes the start of things are just as important as the thing itself. Starting this blog is a large step for me. What I am hoping to get from this is some release from the crude that is in my emotional inbox. A bit about me, I have a wonderful wife Jenni, I work in a call center, I am a newly type 1.5 (late on set type one) diabetic. I like to spend my time reading book, play Xbox games, and role playing games. Well I will get to some of the crude later :)